************************** WALKING THAT LINE (1/1) by Thalia D'Muse ************************** *SEASON 5 SPOILERS in this intro, so international readers beware!* Summary: Mulder contemplates the deal offered to him. Classification/Rating: VA, PG-13 (a few naughty words) Keywords: Mulder/Scully UST Spoilers: US5 spoilers, up to and including Redux II Timeline: Missing scene from Redux II. Set in Scully's darkened hospital room (right after Mulder has met with CSM and is offered the deal). Mulder is at Scully's bedside, clutching her hand. Disclaimer: Never owned 'em, never will. Author's Notes: At the end. ********************** WALKING THAT LINE by Thalia D'Muse ********************** He offered me a deal, Scully. First that smoking bastard teases me, and then he offers me a deal. Work for him and I can have the truth. Not just any truth but *every* truth. Give up everything I stand for and have worked for, and all of my questions will be answered. About you, about our work. Even about Samantha. That asshole really knows what buttons to push, doesn't he? And as if offering me the truth wasn't enough, he offers me the one thing I've been searching for all of my adult life. I met her, Scully. I met my sister. No clone, no smoke and mirrors. It was her. She's alive, has a family, a life. A life that doesn't include me, but a life much like mine: built on a foundation of lies and deceit. I know in my heart the woman I met is the real Samantha. It's really her but that bastard has the nerve to claim her as his own. I almost choked on my own bile when she called *him* Father. He took my sister and he kept her, feeding her with lies, telling her that *he* was her only family. He's lucky I didn't blow his fucking head off right then and there. And just like always, he dangles the bait, which I naturally grab, and he then makes her drop the bombshell that she doesn't want to see me again. He lets me see my sister and then he takes her away. Just like he did twenty-some years ago. Then he offers me this deal. I know an unspoken condition of the deal is Samantha. That's just his style. If I agree to work for him, she will agree to see me again. I get the truth and my sister, for a price. And what a price it is. All I have to do is sell my soul to the Devil and all the riches of the world can be mine. I can have everything I've ever wanted, all of the answers I've been seeking my whole life, if I become his. I'm not sure what sickens me more: the fact that he offered this deal, or the fact that I'm considering it. I *could* take the deal. It would be so easy to trade my loyalty for the truth. It would be so easy to shift my philosophy from law enforcer to law denier. So easy. For years, I've been walking that fine line between good and evil, between the perceived right and the perceived wrong. I've done what I did because I thought it was the right thing to do. So has the Smoking Man. He told me he does what he does because he thinks it's right. I now realize the only difference between that bastard and me is the level of power we wield. Innocent people have died by his hand, all for what he believes is the greater good. Innocent people have died for my beliefs as well. They died, but I justified their deaths by assuring myself that I was one step closer to the truth. Each death gave me another piece of the puzzle. And another reason to wonder why I never became an alcoholic. That smoking bastard thinks I'm just like my father. And like my father, I could make all the pain disappear by ignoring it. Just take the deal, then bury my head in the sand like the others in my family. Avoid responsibility by pretending it's not there. That's the Mulder way. My father, even my mother had the opportunity to right a wrong, yet they chose to run away instead of stay and face reality. I've tried to do that, I've tried to pretend the pain would go away if I would just turn my back on it, but it always comes back. Always. How do they do it? How can they not be haunted by what they have done? How could my father live with himself? I assume the alcohol helped coat the pain with a tolerable numbness. It really is a wonder that I'm not an alcoholic. I should be a fucking lush, just like the old man. For some reason, I never sought alcohol as a crutch. My work is my crutch. Equally as addictive and equally as destructive. I bury my head in piles of unexplainable phenomena, and for a while my pain seems a distant memory. But no matter how bad the pain gets, I don't want to be my father's son. I'm not sure where my sense of pride came from; it certainly wasn't ingrained in me as a child. But I do have pride, and damnit, I won't cave in like my old man. I learned one very important lesson from my father's death: Eventually your past will catch up to you. You can live years in the false security of knowing your past is long gone, but it *will* come back and kick your ass. Or blow your head off. I don't want to be my mother's son, either. I know she knows more than she will ever admit. I know she is lying to me when she says she doesn't know what happened or why. She's a Mulder, even if only by marriage. I suspect she has a drinking problem as well. Again, she'll never admit it but I can see it in her eyes. She has my father's eyes now - dark, distant, defeated. She has discovered another of my father's secrets: pain will dissolve if drowned in enough booze. Why didn't I learn that lesson? Why couldn't I have learned how to toss the pain back with a fifth of gin, letting it numb my throat and my emotions? Why do I have to feel? You look so small, Scully. So frail. I want to protect you, I have to, no matter how hard you fight me on it. But if I take this deal, what happens to you? I have to think about that, I *have* thought about that so much since he offered it. Five years ago, I would have sold my soul for the truth, no questions asked. But now... now every time I think about taking the deal, I see you. You are so much a part of me, Scully, that I sometimes wonder where I end and you begin. We share something most people only dream of having in their lives. I doubt I would still be alive if not for your strength and belief in me. You believed in me even when I stopped believing in myself. Through this wet haze of tears, I see your face so clearly. So peaceful in sleep, though ravaged and aged from the disease in your body. I can see your eyes, the deep blue of a clear sky, even though your eyelids are closed. I memorize every line and plane on your face, though I've seen it a thousand times over the past five years. But I will memorize it now because I know if I take this deal, it will mean the end of our partnership. Of us. I know that if I take this deal, walked among the enemy as one of their own, that you would leave me. You would never forgive me, and I know that you would never forgive yourself. You would blame yourself for my betrayal. If you've learned anything from me over the past five years, it's how to shoulder the blame. But, eventually, you would move on without me. And you would be alive. I know the implant will work, Scully. I don't know why I trust *him* about the implant, but I know it will work. But I don't think it would continue to work if I am still on the lawful side of the fence. I don't want you to become another casualty of my beliefs. Shit. Talk about a lose-lose situation. If I do take the deal, I lose you. If I don't take the deal, I still lose you *and* I lose Samantha. At least for now, I lose Sam. She's really the only maybe in this equation. I may lose her for a while, but I *will* find her, deal or no deal. I think that any attempt I would make to find her now would not only jeopardize my life but hers as well. So I'll wait. I've waited over twenty years to be with her. I don't want to wait any longer. But I don't want to sacrifice her safety for my selfishness. The same goes for you, Scully. I don't want to sacrifice a normal, safe life for you just to feed my need for closeness and companionship through our friendship. This deal could be the answer. A walk on the wild side to keep both of you safe. Is it worth it? It might be. What should I do, Scully? My head says to tell the Cancer Man to take his deal and shove it. My heart says this could be the only way to save you. I have to save you, Scully. This happened to you because of me. I need to save you, and think your safety is in the fine print of this deal. Your fate will be decided as soon as I decide mine. Could I damn myself to Hell to keep you alive? I'd do it in a heartbeat if knew for sure it meant your cure. Your *permanent* cure. I would sell my soul to keep you alive, even if you would hate me for all eternity. I can let you go, but I can't let you die. Tell me what to do, Scully. My heart is winning the war, and I need to know if I'm making a big mistake. Squeeze my hand, blink your eyes, tell me I'm nuts... just do *something* to give me a sign. Please. I need your help, Scully. THE END ********************** Author's Notes: This was my attempt to explore why Mulder felt "lost" when he visited Scully's hospital room and why he was considering taking CSM's deal even though he had already turned him down. This was also a vehicle to resolve some issues that CC left hanging in Redux II, namely Mulder's meeting with his sister. Forgive my indulgence. ;-) My heartfelt thanks to Joyce for her great advice, and to Charli for her eagle eye. Feedback at would be most appreciated. Thanks for reading!