Repressed III
by Jori 

July 1999

The heavens spiral out above me, with the stars trailing into eternity. They 
reach out to a place most can only dream of touching. Could I have touched that 
place once? No. I was earthbound even then, just someone's experiment. An 
experiment with repercussions that will follow me for a lifetime. 

I want to stand here, and let time wash over me. Or do I want time to wash back 
to me? To just erase the years and take me back to where it all began. I want 
something, I just don't know exactly what it is yet. Perhaps I simply want to 
remember. And to know why. 

Where would we be if *this* hadn't all happened. Would Mulder and I be together, 
would it have gone on? I do want to know how he feels, and how he felt upon my 
return. But I want to be sure of what my heart feels, too. I want all the 
answers so badly. I want it to be settled. 

My mother is right. It isn't enough to end this partnership over. I made love to 
him once. I care about him. I *love* him. 

I look out over Skyland Mountain into the cloudless night sky. Stars fill the 
sky, shining brightly like they should during summer. People should sit under 
this sky and fall in love. But this place has brought me nothing but pain. 

The spot where I stand is where the future and the past collide right now, 
within me. I don't know why I was so drawn to come to this location. It 
shouldn't want to be here as much as I do. I want time to slip back, I want it 
all to be made right. I don't want to carry this heavy ache in my heart anymore. 


The attendant at the gate looked concerned that a lone female wanted to come up 
here so late in the evening. He even gave me a stern warning and a lecture about 
a woman who disappeared from here years ago. I smiled politely at him and 
flashed him my badge, wanting to tell him that nothing more could happen to me 
in this place. I wanted him to just let me by without more questions, but he 
didn't. He wanted to know if I was here about that 'incident' from last year, 
and I just nodded yes. That seemed to be the trick. He finally let me by. 

Now I stand here, looking for answers that aren't written in the stars. Why 
didn't he tell me? Would it have made a difference? Would I have gone back? I 
don't know. 

The memories are beginning to come back to me, piece by piece, of that one night 
so long ago. I can no longer say that the memories are just his now. I can see 
the events unfold around me, and I swear I can taste his kiss on my lips again. 
I know that is impossible. No one can remember a taste. Or a touch. Or a scent. 
But this feeling is overwhelming. Maybe it isn't really a memory. Maybe it is 
just what I think he would taste like, and feel like. I wish I knew. He knows 
about me. Yet, I don't know about him. 

I don't understand why I did what I did that night. Perhaps it is like my mother 
said. I was so much more open then, more willing to love and be loved. It 
couldn't have just been sex, could it? No. With anybody else, I might say yes, 
but with Mulder? The answer has to be no.

I look up again, to that place in the sky that children believe angels inhabit, 
and I plead with God to give me the answers to questions I'm not even sure I 
know how to ask. 

*********************************

August 1994

Gone. Just gone. I stand in the spot where I found Duane Barry, screaming and 
laughing like a lunatic, so happy that *they* took Scully instead of him. I hate 
him. I hate everything that he is or ever was. He was a coward. She was his 
victim. 

I want her back. My heart still can't accept that she isn't here. I can't listen 
to mine beat out in perfect time while hers might be stilled somewhere, never to 
beat again. I can't stand the ache that spreads through my body. It starts in my 
heart and with each beat, it sends that ache everywhere. I can't feel anything 
through this ache. It is the only thing that reminds me I'm alive. 

I felt her heart against my chest, beating in time with mine. I held her not 
that long ago, and it was something though would remain a unattainable dream. I 
never thought that the walls would come crumbling down so easily, that she would 
be under me, around me, and with me.

And I never thought I would lose her so soon afterwards. 

Her mother said I shouldn't blame myself, but I can't help it. I could have done 
something. I should have. She was mine to take care of. No, that isn't right. We 
were to take care of each other. And I failed. 

The night sky reaches far above me, with the stars twinkling brightly on this 
cool mid-summer evening. Could it be true? Could she be out there somewhere? 
Isn't that what I've always believed? Why do I not want it to be true this time? 
I don't want this to happen to prove anything to me. I don't want Scully to be 
the goddamned proof I've been looking for. They don't have to use her to teach 
me a lesson. 

No, I want her back. I want to hold her again, tell her the things I should have 
said. 

Where would it have gone, if this didn't happen? I have to stop thinking of it 
all as past tense. She *will* be back. We do have a future together. Somehow. If 
I could just get her back, I could tell her what I need to say. I could hold her 
again, and hope that those walls can come down again. 

My heart might beat, but the rhythm is empty, devoid of any will to live. I know 
it will continue beating out its empty rhythm. And I will just go on. I have to. 
Maybe I'm the only one who can find her. I just don't know how. 

I look up at those distant stars. I haven't wished upon a star in years, not 
since the days of my childhood. I once wished that Samantha would come back, and 
everything would just go back to the way it was. It never happened. Those stars 
betrayed me. 

This time I raise a wish up again to those same stars that continue to shine no 
matter what tragedy humans endure. This time I wish that Scully would just come 
back, and everything will just go back to the way it was. I would trade the one 
night we spent together just to have her back for a lifetime. 

Do you hear me? Just give her back to me and I won't ever ask for anything more.

I wonder if somewhere she is looking out at the same stars. Or does she see a 
different set of stars? I cannot believe my heart has been reduced to hoping we 
are wishing on the same star. Yet, I hope she is. And that she is alive and they 
will return her to me. 

I want to have her back. No, I need her back. 

*****************************************

July 1999

I need to talk to him again, now that the anger has passed. I haven't seen him 
since I left him sitting in his apartment, looking shocked. I wanted to know how 
he remembered me, if he thought that evening was worth keeping to himself. I 
don't know why I asked what I did. It just seemed so unfair that he could answer 
that one question, and I couldn't answer the same about him. 

Now I can, yet I can't. For years now, I've felt that we would have a 'first 
time' someday, and it would be special, not just a roll on his couch for no good 
reason. I guess I came back from where ever I was a different person. I wish I 
could get a hold on that person I was in 1994. That person who went over to his 
place and made love to him freely and happily while a football video was 
playing. Where in the hell is that woman hiding? She appears to be more carefree 
than the woman I am now. Maybe she was just more naive. I don't know. And I 
don't know why I'm referring to myself as a different person. 'She' is me. I'm 
the one who had sex with my partner, not someone else. 

I look out over the hills around me, wondering why this place would be chosen as 
it has been, branded now by the deaths of so many. Why is this place the turning 
point in so many lives, including mine? How many people wish they could turn 
back the hands of time because of this one tiny place on the map? 

If I could turn back time, perhaps the best thing I could have done was to never 
have gone to his apartment in the first place. Or maybe I would have never left 
the way I did the other night. I don't even know to where I would turn the hands 
of time back to. Good thing I can't do it anyway. No use hoping for the 
impossible. 

All I can hope for is to make amends with myself and with him. We do have jobs 
to do, lives to lead. Such that they are. It seems as if I left a life behind 
when I came back, a life that might have been more satisfying then this one. 
Maybe I would trade this life to just have that one back. Or to just have that 
one night back. So I could remember every detail, etch them into my memory so I 
could hold onto them. Like he has held them. 

I watch the stars above me again, wondering if he looked out over these same 
stars so many years ago? Did he try to make deals with time like I'm trying now? 
What would he have given up to change time? To bring me back to him? Would he 
have given up his search for Samantha? For the truth? Was I worth that much 
then? Am I worth that much even now?

I don't know. 

**************************** 

August 1994

She means everything. More now than ever before. Is this my punishment as much 
as hers? Is she being punished for following me while I'm being punished for 
loving her?

That is what it is. Love. Because of that love, she is gone. Damn it. Could I 
stop loving her if it meant they would bring her back? Yes. Her world is more 
than just how I feel for her. I want her back for her mother's sake. I want her 
back for her own sake, too. 

But all the bargaining in the world never brought Samantha back. I promised 
'God' everything if she would just show up again but apparently my everythings 
just weren't enough. Now I have even less to bargain with. I no longer have the 
soul of a twelve year old boy to offer to God, untarnished yet by the years.

If I could trade this soul, could use it as a bargaining chip, I would. To bring 
her back, I would give up everything. If -- when she does come back, I will give 
her up. I can't have this happen again. This *is* my punishment. To prevent it 
from ever happening again, what we were . . . what we could have been, must end. 


Partners. That is what we should have remained. She might still be here. It 
doesn't matter how much I love her. How much I want her back in my arms. It 
can't be.

the end

********************