Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully don't belong to me. Neither does the movie. I'm not that creative. Category: SRA Classification: MSR Rating: R Spoilers: The Movie Archive: Gossamer, Movie Fic sites Feedback: Well, since I've had the idea for this one since I saw the movie, I want to hear what you think. Author's Note: This story was partially inspired by a course I took called Crisis Intervention. The term crisis means a decision and turning point in one's life. A crisis occurs when a person experiences a hazardous event. The precipitating factor is what pushes the person towards an active crisis state. See if you can identify what throws Scully into a crisis. Summary: Scully deals with the psychological pain and emotional trauma of her ordeal in Antarctica. "Haunting Memories" (1/2) by Lisa (danil001@bama.ua.edu) Detroit, Michigan October 1998 "What were your impressions, Mulder?" Scully asked as they were driving back to the hotel after two days of trying to interview a man about the circumstances of his wife's death. That was the easy part. What was going on with him was a little bit harder to explain. "He seemed sad. Agitated. I wish I could have spent more time with him." Mulder replied. "At least you got to speak with him before his death." she stated. "Well, Scully what's your take on this case?" "You mean do I believe he saw his wife's ghost?" she countered. "Mulder, Mr. Walter Zigmund was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. Dementia is one of the symptoms." "Hallucinations aren't." Mulder stated. "He had a history of previous suicide attempts along with unstable behavior." Scully said. "So, he was just a senile old man, huh, Scully?" "No. That's not what I meant." she corrected. "All this behavior happened within the past six months - since his wife's death. They were married over 50 years. It's has to be devastating to lose someone you've spent your whole life with." Mulder said. "I'm not minimizing his loss, but . . ." "What did you find out from his doctors?" he interrupted. "The home health care worker was the one who initially reported that he had seen his wife walking around the house. She informed his doctor. A social worker was sent to the home. Apparently, Mr. Zigmund talked to her about his wife at the visit. He would describe what she was wearing, what she cooked for dinner. Concerned for his welfare, they placed him in an independent living center, which he didn't like and kept insisting he go home to his wife." Scully explained. "He also told me his wife wanted him to be with her always. To join her." Mulder told his partner. "That's why he was put on suicide watch so frequently." she stated. "It didn't work. The note he left to his therapist said it was a 'love I can't live without.' No one could have prevented it. The bond they shared was too strong." "I think you're romanticizing it, Mulder." "Ok, why do you think he took his own life?" "He was in a lot of pain due to his arthritis combined with the recent diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Maybe he felt . . ." "I don't think that's a reason to call Dr. Kavorkian, Scully." he remarked. Silence passed between them for a few minutes. "What time's our flight tomorrow?" she asked. "11:00." he replied. "Anxious to get home?" "Just curious, that's all." They had been driving for over a half hour when the car started slowing down. Mulder checked the gas gauge, but it wasn't empty yet. He didn't understand why it wouldn't work. "Mulder, what's wrong?" "I don't know." Mulder pulled out his cell phone. "Damn, the battery's low." Getting out of the car, he noticed a gas station not too far away. "I'll head up there and try to get a number of a cab." He walked over to the passenger side. "Are you going to be Ok here?" "Yes. I'll be fine." It was almost November and there was snow on the ground. More was expected tonight, too. It was early evening and the temperature was falling rapidly. ***** Where was he? Scully wondered. It had almost been an hour. She was cold and tired. Scully didn't feel comfortable sleeping in the car on the side of the interstate, despite the door being locked and a loaded gun. Her eyelids got heavier and she fell into a light sleep. The images flashed through her mind again. She was trapped. She couldn't breathe. It was so cold. Scully awoke with a start gasping for breath. No, not now. Not here. Mulder was able to get some numbers of taxis and talk one of the workers into giving him a lift back to the car. He had called a cab from the pay phone telling the person where the gas station was located off the interstate. His FBI credentials were a help in the attendant's compliance. Mulder didn't want to use his status for special treatment, but this was an emergency. Also, he didn't want to leave Scully alone for that long. When they got back to the car, Scully was leaning up against the door. "Scully, are you all right?" he asked. "Yes, I was just worried about you." she replied before looking over at the other man with her partner. "Oh . . . He gave me a ride back." "I see." "I called a cab and it's going to pick us up at the Texaco station. Randy agreed to take us back there to wait." "Ma'am." Randy tipped his cap to acknowledge Scully. They both slid into the back seat. Scully stared out the window trying to focus her attention on something other than those horrible memories that flashed through her mind. She hoped the ride would accomplish just that. Mulder noticed she wasn't talking at all during the ride. He knew she had something on her mind, but maybe was reluctant to talk now that they weren't alone. When they arrived at the gas station, Mulder thanked the man for his help. He asked Scully if she wanted anything to eat or drink. "No. I'm fine." she replied wearily. "Is something wrong?" "I'm just cold." "Why don't we go inside?" Mulder suggested. "All right." Mulder opened one of the freezer doors reaching for a Coke. Scully was standing next to him and felt the blast of cold air hit her face. The cold air. Frostbite on her skin. She rushed out of the building. Mulder was right behind her. "Scully, what the hell is going on? You ran out of there like -" "Where's that damn cab?" He touched her back and she jumped. "Scully?" He faced her. Scully was silent for a few moments. "I . . . I was remembering Antarctica. I haven't been this cold since -" Mulder remembered so vividly that journey he made a couple months ago to save her. He'd never forget that horrible trek as long as he lived. "I'm sorry for snapping at you." "It's Ok. I just want to get to the hotel." She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. Mulder noticed she was upset. Scully looked up at him. "I thought -" She didn't have time to finish that before the cab pulled up. She got in first and Mulder slammed the door behind them and told the driver the name of their hotel. It was dark and cold in the car. She didn't feel any heat. The driver told her the heater was broken. Scully sighed and leaned back in the seat, trying not to think about being encased in that pod. She was so cold when Mulder freed her. The tube was choking her. she couldn't breathe. "No. No." It was barely a whisper. "Did you say something?" Mulder asked. "No." She was embarrassed now. Didn't he ever think about it? Antarctica. Their escape. Obviously not. Mulder was just sitting there like nothing happened. Like they almost didn't freeze to death. She could have died from the cold. Hypothermia. Mulder just sat there next to her with his eyes closed, resting. Didn't he care at all? Tears slipped down her cheeks. Mulder was jarred out of the light sleep by the car's quick stop at a red light. He looked over at Scully and saw tears on her cheeks. Moving closer to her, he touched her hand attempting to comfort her. "Mulder, we're going to freeze to death." There was fear in her eyes. What was she talking about? He didn't understand. "What's wrong with your girlfriend?" the driver asked. "Just drive, Ok?" Mulder snapped. "I'm cold." Scully said. "We're almost there." he assured her. She squeezed his hand as if it was the only thing keeping her from falling into darkness. ***** Scully walked into her hotel room visibly upset. She was still so cold and afraid. Afraid of something would prevent their escape. She took off her coat and adjusted the temperature in the room. Mulder didn't understand why she was acting so strange. He closed the door and followed his partner into her room. "Scully . . . Is there something you need?" "No, Mulder stop asking me if I'm Ok!" she snapped. "Scully, you were crying in the cab -" "I was just tired. That's all." "No. It's more than that." Mulder moved towards her. She tried to walk around him, but he blocked her. "Is this about Antarctica?" he asked softly. "Not really." Mulder remained unconvinced. "That's not what you said earlier." "That was then. I'm fine now." The image of the snow flashed before her - crawling out of that - place. "Scully, what happened? What were you thinking just then?" he asked desperately. "Nothing. . . Nothing." she stammered. Mulder placed his hands on her shoulders. "Tell me, please." "I'm fine. Really, I am." she lied, choking back the tears. "Dammit, Scully . . ." He didn't want to be angry with her, but she was making it virtually impossible for him to help her. "Just go, Mulder. You can't help me." She was fighting the tears now. "I'm not leaving you like this. It's about Antarctica, isn't it? The cold and the snow brought it back. We were in that hell together trying to fight our way out before everything closed in on us." Scully was crying now as she listened to Mulder's words. She slumped down on the bed. "I just want it all to go away. I don't want to keep seeing it replayed in my mind." she sobbed. Mulder sat down next to her wrapping his arms around her. He had no idea what to say to her. It was still fresh in his mind as well. "What images? Can you tell me?" He hoped she would try. Scully stopped crying for a moment. "I . . . don't want to remember it, Mulder. I . . . can't deal with it right now. I can't . . ." She moved out of his embrace, wiping the tears from her face. "Can I get you some water?" Mulder asked. Scully nodded. Mulder returned with the water, handing it to her before sitting down on the opposite bed. "It began with nightmares. I would wake up feeling cold and gasping for breath. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like something was choking me." She paused, running a hand through her hair. "The dreams are so vivid. It's like I'm back in that thing . . . pod. I'm still cold even now." "Scully . . ." Mulder said softly, "You're safe now. You're safe here with me." Taking a sip of water before continuing, "I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone about this. No one would understand." Mulder reached for her hand. "You can tell me. I'll understand." "It's not just the nightmares, Mulder. I'll have flashbacks of it. Of the snow. Us huddled in the snow together. That tube down my throat." She closed her eyes trying to will it away, despite the tears running down her cheeks. Mulder never remembered seeing her cry this much. She usually tried to hide her feelings from him. What could he do for her besides listen, even if is was painful for him to hear. He had to help her. "Why don't you try and get some rest." he suggested. Scully got up and pulled some pajamas out of her suitcase and disappeared into the bathroom. Mulder just sat there. This was the last thing he expected. He wished she had told him earlier. Maybe he could have done something. What? They were the only ones who experienced it, but the ordeal was worse for her. She was kidnapped and put in that pod to . . .die. She *would* have died. Mulder had nightmares afterwards as well. He had trouble dealing with it, but he couldn't think about that now. His top priority was getting Scully through this crisis. Scully emerged from the bathroom dressed in her pajamas. She hung her suit up in the closet. Noticing her reflection in the mirror she stopped. When did she begin to look this tired and weary? Mulder was behind her now and as she glanced at his reflection in the mirror remembering him carrying her to safety in the cold. Startling her back to the present, Mulder touched her arm lightly. She sighed and walked away from him. "Try and get some sleep." he said. "I'm afraid to . . . I don't want the nightmares to come." "I'll stay here until you fall asleep, Ok?" Mulder offered. Scully nodded and slipped under the covers and turned off the lamp. Only one light was still on in the corner of the room. She was tired, but afraid. Afraid of her own thoughts returning to the cold. Those men who put her in that pod. She couldn't move . . . she was so cold and didn't know where she was . . . so afraid. Scully rolled over on her side and just concentrated on the surroundings. She was in a hotel room just like millions of other times before. It was safe and Mulder was here with her. She was warm. Mulder was lying on the other bed, his tie loosened and shirt sleeves rolled up on his forearms. He was going to leave until Scully's breathing started to sound labored, she was making low sounds like "no." She was still asleep, but he was afraid she would wake up any time now and cry out and he wanted to be here to comfort her when she awakened from that hell. Twenty minutes passed and Mulder was pretty sure Scully wouldn't awaken. Her breathing seemed more even now. Maybe she would sleep through the night. She didn't. Scully kept screaming over and over again startling Mulder out of his light sleep. He went over to her bed gathering her into his arms until she calmed down. "Scully . . . Scully . . . It's all right. You're safe." He whispered to her. Scully relaxed in his arms. "You're safe." he reassured her until she fell back to sleep again. ***** Mulder couldn't sleep so he decided to make good use of the early morning hours. He called the rental agency and informed them of the situation with the car. They said they would take care of it. He also checked to make sure their flight scheduled to take off on time. It was. Surprisingly, Scully slept through his conversations. She looked peaceful unlike a few hours ago. Did she go through that every night? Lapsing into a world of horrors - constantly rewinding time making her relive the ordeal again and again. Scully stirred. She realized it was morning. Mulder came over to her. "How are you feeling?" "A little better." "Do you want some breakfast?" he asked. "I am a little hungry." Scully admitted. "I'll be right back." Mulder grabbed the key card and left. Scully was dressed and packing when he returned. Mulder put the coffee and bagel down on the table along with two containers of cream. She looked up at him and smiled. "Thank you." He smiled back at her. "You're welcome." "You didn't have to stay the night, Mulder." "I couldn't sleep. Anyway, I wanted to make sure you were fine during the middle of the night." "Thanks for being here for me." Scully said. "I'm almost packed, so whenever you're ready to get to the airport." "Just give me five minutes." ***** Scully tried to go back to her normal routine after what happened in Detroit. She was glad Mulder was there to listen to what she had been going through since Antarctica. It wasn't getting any better at all. In fact, the flashbacks of being encased in that pod were getting more frequent. The feeling of being so helpless, not being in control. The nightmares were still present. She would wake up screaming and scared. At times, she felt like she couldn't breathe, like she was choking. She never fell back to sleep after those vivid recollections. She couldn't. The memories were too painful. Scully didn't want it to come to this, but she just was having too hard of a time concentrating on anything. She requested some personal time from Skinner, telling him she wasn't feeling well. He didn't come out and ask her if it was related to Antarctica and her ordeal, but she sensed he had an idea. Skinner asked her if she'd be all right. She told him she hoped so. When she told Mulder, he told her to go ahead now instead of two weeks from now. He could finish up the case they were working on. No problem. Mulder looked sad. Like he didn't want her to go. But she needed some time to heal. To concentrate on herself and not this job. "Scully . ." Mulder began, getting up from his desk and walking towards her. He touched her cheek gently. "I'm sorry." "I'll be all right, Mulder." she replied before walking out of their office. He hoped that was true. ***** "Haunting Memories" (2/2) by Lisa (danil001@bama.ua.edu) See disclaimer and summary in Part 1. Additional notes and the end of the story. Major angst in this part, folks. Scully spent the next few days trying to fight off the nightmarish images. She had a hard time sleeping and often took naps during the day. She hated this. It was the middle of the day when she should be working, but instead was napping or lying on the couch with the TV on in an effort to distract her from the flashbacks. Nothing was working. The images now turned to the cold and ice . . . the men looming over her . . . touching her . . . taking off her clothing. It was still hazy - like she was in a fog trying to search for a specific item. Trying not to think about her ordeal only made it harder. It was all she could focus on. That night before getting ready for bed, there was a knock at the door. Scully was a little surprised with her late night visitor. "Mulder." "Is it too late?" he asked. "No, of course not. Come in." She moved away from the opened door. There was silence between the two of them for a couple of minutes. "It's not any better." Scully stated. "I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?" he suggested. "Still the same thing." Scully said sitting on the couch. "The cold. The fear. Men standing over me." "Men standing over you?" "It's all so hazy. I can't remember much else." Scully explained. "It's Ok." "No, it's not, Mulder. How am I supposed to get better? What did they do to me?" she cried. Mulder moved closer to her, touching her arm, stroking it softly. He wished he had the right words to soothe her. The answers to her questions. He was still dealing with this in his own way - the nightmares were almost gone. "I had nightmares too, Scully. About you in that pod. You were very cold. I was trying to get you warm, but it wasn't . . . didn't work. I . . ." he confessed. Scully squeezed his hand. "I'm glad you shared that with me. I didn't know you had nightmares." "I didn't want to tell you. You were dealing with so much already. You didn't need to hear about my nightmares." he explained. "No, Mulder. I'm glad you told me. Do you still have them?" Scully was curious. "Sometimes, but there not as vivid now. They don't last as long." "Good. I'm glad." she said. Mulder looked at her. She looked tired. "I'd better go. It's late." He got up from the couch. "Mulder . . . I want to ask you something." Her voice became serious. "Let's make a promise to talk to each other about this - the nightmares - whenever we need to - day or night. I think it would help. It would help me." Mulder looked into her eyes. She was almost pleading with him now. Of course he would. "I will." he promised. "Anything to help you. You know that." He stroked her hair gently. She touched his hand. Mulder moved towards her slowly. He pressed his lips to hers. The kiss was slow, thoughtful. Scully looked up at him. She didn't expect that, but wasn't complaining either. He was so gentle. Did she really expect anything less? "I wanted to finish where we were so rudely interrupted." Scully smiled. Mulder walked towards the door. "Try and get some sleep." He said before leaving. "I'll try." she whispered, watching him leave. ***** Mulder was sitting at his desk going through some files. He had been asked to assist some other agents on a kidnapping case. It was a high profile assignment and he was flattered until he learned that the mother of the abducted child was having nightmares. Seeing her son in shadows late at night and she claimed that he was trying to send her a message of where his abductors had taken him. Anything with a hint of the unexplainable, get Spooky Mulder to do it. It wasn't like the other agents were putting him down, but he wasn't blind to the looks and gestures he received. He forgot how much respect Scully gave him even when she didn't believe in his theories. Scully. He thought of her more ever since that *kiss.* Mulder was glad she didn't pull away. They never talked about the first attempt. After being rescued from Antarctica, they were taken to a hospital to recover until the flight back to D.C., which Scully slept most of the way. Mulder didn't know how to bring it up again. The only intimate moment they shared was a hug after he dropped her off at her apartment. She just looked numb. So, he let her get some rest. Picking up the phone, he dialed her number. She picked up on the second ring. "Hello." "Hey, Scully, it's me." "Mulder. What's up?" "I just wanted to see how you are doing." There was a long pause on the line. "Scully?" "Yes. I'm here." she said weakly. "How are you feeling?" "Ok, I guess. I don't know." she replied. "No big change." "Still having the nightmares?" "Yes. Mulder . . . I . . ." He could hear tears in her voice. "I have to go. I'll talk to you later." She hung up. Mulder slammed the phone down. He felt helpless. ***** The phone woke him up. Mulder answered it half-asleep. "Hello." "Mulder . . ." Scully's tortured voice on the phone quickly brought him back to reality. "Mulder . . . Could you . . ." The tears were choking her and she couldn't get the whole sentence out. "Scully, I'll be right over. Just stay there." he told her. Scully was still shaking from the nightmare and pacing the floor in the living room waiting for Mulder. The knock on the door startled her for just a second before she rushed to open it. Mulder came through the door, taking her in his arms noticing that she was still trembling. He moved with her to the couch. "This time it was bad. I felt like I couldn't breathe . . . that tube was choking me. I couldn't wake up." Scully cried. Mulder pulled her to him, cradling her against his body. She just sobbed into his chest as he stroked her hair. He desperately wanted to do more than just comfort her afterwards. He wished he could take away the pain and suffering. "I just want to be able to sleep through the night. I just want to sleep." she sobbed. Mulder shifted his body on the couch. Scully moved closer to him, needing his strength right now more than ever. And a few minutes later sleep came. ***** Scully stirred in Mulder's arms. He gently stroked her hair. "Hmm. . . Mulder?" She opened her eyes and sat up only to find herself in Mulder's lap. "You fell asleep." "I guess so." she replied, getting off the couch and walking towards the kitchen. "Do you want some coffee?" "Sure." Mulder said, following her to the kitchen. Scully placed the two mugs in front of them on the table. "I've been doing some research about the nightmares and flashbacks. I had a pretty good idea of what it could be, but wanted to make sure - Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. It's usually common in rape victims, people with a terminal illness, or anyone who has experienced a traumatic event in their lives. I think my ordeal would be included." she explained. Mulder nodded in agreement. It sounded like PTSD from the beginning, but he wasn't going to act like a therapist and tell her what she was suffering from. He wanted to offer her support and not a diagnosis. "I can't talk to a therapist about what happened, so I'm going to try and manage on my own." "You can talk to me, Scully." he assured her. She smiled at him. "I know and I will, but I'm going to try and work on not dwelling on the memories. I have to learn how to better keep the memories under control if I'm going to heal." Mulder squeezed her hand. "I know you can do it." He walked over and hugged her. "I still need your support . . . your help." she said. "I'm here for you. Always." he whispered. Scully looked up at him. She knew she always had Mulder's support. Sometimes she needed to hear him say it. "Thank you." She got up from the table and poured herself another cup of coffee. "So, tell me what case you're working on?" Mulder told her about it, leaving out the details of the woman's nightmares about her son. He didn't want to bring anymore painful memories back for her. Scully just listened, wishing she could be back at work with him on the X-Files. It wasn't time yet. She needed to try and get the PTSD under control in order to be useful at work. Mulder wouldn't want her back unless she was able to handle it. He deserved that. She deserved that as well. Mulder told her he had to get to work. He kissed her softly on the lips before leaving. ***** A couple days later Scully found herself at Mulder's apartment. it was late. He was in bed asleep. She should leave, but oh God, she was afraid to go to sleep. She woke up in the middle of a nightmare and had to get out of her apartment. She didn't know if she could get through this. If she was strong enough. Scully put a hand over her mouth to muffle her sobs. "Scully?" Mulder's voice came out of the darkness. "I'm sorry . . . I should go . . ." Mulder rolled over and turned on the light. "Wait . . . Remember what we promised each other." Scully turned back to face him. She nodded. "I'm still afraid to go to sleep. Scared of what will happen." Mulder touched her shoulders. "It's all right. It's not going to happen overnight. You're dealing with so much - it's understandable." Scully wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head against his chest. "Why don't you stay here tonight?" he suggested. She nodded. Mulder grabbed a pillow. "I'll just sleep on the couch." "Do you have to?" Scully asked. Mulder quickly turned and looked at her. "No." he murmured. "I need you close to me, Mulder." She slipped off her coat, revealing her classic pajamas and pulled down on the covers on the opposite side of the bed. "Do you want another pillow or blanket?" he asked. "No, I'm fine." Scully said, even though that was the furthest thing from the truth. Mulder got back into bed not knowing if he should move closer to her, comfort her, or just stay where he was. Scully closed her eyes feeling much better now that she was with Mulder. She wasn't alone in her bed at home waiting for the nightmares to torment her. They were in Antarctica again. Scully was holding Mulder, trying to keep him warm. She could feel him shivering against her body. "Scully . . ." Mulder moaned. "My head hurts." She looked at his head. It looked fine until she saw the trickle of blood at his hairline. "It's just a cut." she said. Then the blood started oozing faster and faster down his forehead. Mulder trembled in her arms. "Scully, help me." he whimpered. She was frantically searching for the cause of the wound. "Mulder . . . I don't know what's causing it." "But you're a doctor. You should know what's wrong." he said. "I know. I know." His hand was cold and sweaty as it reached for hers. "Don't let me die . . . help me . . . help me." he pleaded. Scully's hands were covered in his blood. He was bleeding to death right before her eyes. She put pressure on it, but it was no use. Tears blinded her vision. Mulder's body became cold. Colder than it was already. He kept saying her name over and over again. "No . . . No." Scully cried, awakening from the nightmare. "Scully, Shh . . ." Mulder held her. Comforted her. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I'm sorry." she whispered, her body still trembling. "It's alright. You're Ok." "I couldn't save you. I couldn't." she sobbed. Mulder pulled her into his lap, rocking her softly in his arms until she drifted back into an exhausted sleep. He never had a woman fall asleep in his arms before. But, this was different. This was Scully and she trusted him completely. Mulder gently placed Scully on the pillow next to him before getting out of the bed. She needed to sleep. He went to the bathroom, got dressed, and searched for something to eat. Coming up empty in the food department, he went back into the bedroom. She was still asleep. Mulder never thought she would be here. In his bed. He definitely thought it would have been under much different circumstances. But, he couldn't think about *that* not with what she was going through. He could comfort her. That had to be enough for now. Scully awoke, remembering everything that happened the previous night. She felt a little embarrassed for having come over to Mulder's apartment. "How are you feeling?" Mulder asked her when she came into the other room. "A little better." she replied. "I'm going to go. I need to change." She touched her clothing. "Scully . . ." Mulder went over to her. "Don't be upset at what happened last night." he said softly. "I'm glad you came to me." Scully looked away, slightly embarrassed. "I . . . don't. I mean I'll try not to." Driving back to her place, Scully wished she could do the same for Mulder. Be there for him. Ever since they made that promise to each other, she had been the one to need his support. Mulder seemed fine. She hoped it was true and he wasn't keeping anything from her. A couple days, later she got her chance. Mulder knocked on her door at almost 2 o'clock in the morning. Scully could tell by the way he looked that something was wrong. Taking his hand, she pulled him into her arms. "Did the nightmares come back?" She felt him nod against her shoulder. She led him down the hallway and into her bedroom. Mulder sat down on the bed and took off his coat and shoes while Scully turned off the hall light. "Do you want to talked about it?" she asked, coming back into the bedroom. "No, not right now." he murmured sleepily. Scully slipped back into bed. She heard Mulder sigh before drifting off to sleep herself. Scully came back to the hall of his apartment. She was calling his name. At first, Mulder couldn't see her. She came around the corner looking scared before rushing over and putting her arms around him. "Don't let them take me, Mulder." she cried. "I won't. They won't hurt you again." he promised. Mulder could still hear her crying and he held her tighter to allay her fears. "I'm cold." she said, easing out of his embrace. Mulder looked at her. She looked pale. Too pale. Mulder touched her cheek to confirm it. "C'mon, let's go inside." Scully slumped against him losing her balance. She slid down onto the floor in Mulder's arms. No. No. Not again. "Scully, please stay with me. Don't . . ." He stroked her hair. "Mulder, something's wrong. My face hurts." She reached up and touched it. Mulder noticed pink splotches on her face. Her lips started turning bluish-purple. "I'm cold." she said again. Mulder moved her onto his lap. "Don't do this to me, Scully. Don't leave me." "It's too late, Mulder. They don't want us together." she explained. "It's not about them. This is about us. It's *just* you and me." Mulder said, emphasizing the last sentence. "I'm sorry. It's too late." she whispered. "Too late." Mulder felt her go limp in his arms. She was cold. "No. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." he repeated over and over as he held her in his arms. Mulder awoke with a start, breathing heavily and somewhat disoriented from the nightmare. He felt Scully's arms around him instantly, comforting him. Scully felt the tension in his body. His arms came around her in an almost fierce embrace. "It was about me, wasn't it?" she guessed. "Yes." he whispered into her hair. Scully pressed her lips against his forehead which was damp with sweat. "I'm fine. I'm right here. " she whispered soothingly, her arms around him. She knew how bad the nightmares could be and empathized with him. Mulder let her comfort him. It felt good to have her hold him instead of the other way around. This nightmare seemed so real like he actually watched her die. At that thought, he touched her face in the darkness making sure it wasn't cold. Just the opposite. Warm. He settled back down in the covers. Scully figured he was better now. She almost expected him to kiss her again. They had gotten so much closer over the past few weeks. And now they were sleeping next to each other in the same bed. Of course, it was to comfort each other, nothing more. Their promise. The promise that she needed. But, now she needed more. Wanted more. Scully almost wished he would do more than just kiss her. If Mulder wanted to make love to her, she wasn't sure she would stop him. It would be nice to feel nothing but his touches and caresses because of intimacy and not because she needed comforting from another nightmare. However, sex wasn't the answer. Scully didn't know if Mulder wanted her *that* way. Yes, she was glad he was here to comfort her. Another part of her hoped it wasn't just platonic love, but romantic love. She didn't realize it until the tear ran down her cheek that she was crying. It surprised her and the more she tried to stop, the harder it became to stifle the tears. Mulder shifted in the bed. Scully hoped he'd just go back to sleep, but he heard her and put his arms around her, thinking that she had another nightmare. He was wrong. However, comfort was all he could offer her and it was all she should accept right now. ***** Scully started remembering more and more of what happened to her in Antarctica. More specifically before she was put in that pod. She wanted to tell Mulder, but was unsure of how he'd react. The nightmares were all but gone. She didn't have anymore since that night over at Mulder's apartment. Apparently, Mulder was doing better as well since he came over a few nights ago. No matter how painful it was going to be, Scully had to tell Mulder what she remembered. She made a promise. Maybe then she would be free of the memories that haunted her all these weeks. She wanted to get on with her life. ***** Mulder didn't notice any optimism in Scully's voice when she called him to come over after work. He was a little afraid to hear what she was going to tell him - for her sake as well as his. Mulder was sitting on the couch now next to Scully. She looked very worried and upset which made him even more nervous as to what she was going to disclose to him. He held her hand tightly. "Whatever it is, just tell me. It's Ok." The apartment was so quiet, except for the soft hum of the refrigerator. Scully squeezed his hand. "Before I was put into that pod," she began. "I was encased in this coffin-like box. I woke up and there were men - two men in white suits above me. One started taking off my clothes. I couldn't stop him because I couldn't move. They must have given me something to make - some type of temporary paralysis." She paused. "I . . . was looking for you. I called your name, even though I knew I wasn't in the hallway with you anymore." The tears started running down her cheeks. Mulder pulled her closer. "Somehow I should have known they would do this. They would take you away from me again." "How, Mulder? You couldn't know." she said against his chest. "I don't know." he murmured. "I can't lose you." "You won't." she whispered. Mulder pressed his face into her neck. Scully felt his warm breath on her neck followed by his lips. Scully pulled him closer until they were kissing. Desperate kisses. These weren't the quick kisses they shared before; they were much more erotic. She didn't want it to end. Mulder stopped kissing her, but still held her in his arms. "I don't remember them putting me in the pod. I'm glad I don't. Then the next person I saw was you." Scully closed her eyes, letting go of the memory and concentrating on right now. Neither of them said anything for a long time. "I was afraid you'd blame yourself for that bee stinging me. You didn't know that wasn't a real ambulance. You did the right thing by calling for help." Scully stated. "Yeah, then look what happened." Scully moved out of his embrace. "Please don't blame yourself for this, Mulder. It wasn't your fault. A bee could've stung you. I don't know if I could have rescued you. I don't -" "Yes you could, Scully." he said. She looked into his eyes. "I would have tried everything." "I know," Mulder began. "I was suspicious of that Englishman's motives, but I would do anything to save you. I had no choice but to go along with what he told me." He caressed her cheek. "Mulder, do you want to stay here tonight?" Scully asked, hopeful. Mulder could easily say yes to her request. But he was afraid it would turn to something more than comfort . Scully was too vulnerable after everything she told him tonight. He didn't want anything influencing her if they decided to make love. "I can't." he told her, getting off the couch. Scully looked puzzled. "I've got an early meeting tomorrow. I'm sorry." Mulder stood near the door. It was the truth. "I understand." Scully walked over to him, trying to hide her disappointment. Mulder kissed her. "Good night." he whispered against her cheek. "Good night." Scully shut the door behind him. ***** Thanksgiving was here already. Scully spent the holiday weekend with her mother and brothers. It was kind of a family reunion. She almost asked Mulder to join them, but her family didn't know how close they had become these past few weeks and she wasn't quite ready to tell everyone. Besides, Mulder said he was going to spend the holiday with his mother. As long as he wasn't alone. That was the last thing Scully wanted. He wouldn't be alone again. She'd be there. They'd have each other. Scully told her mother an abridged version of her ordeal after they returned home - that she was kidnapped and Mulder saved her. Her mother was of course concerned and glad she was safe, but had complete faith in Mulder's ability to find her. That surprised Scully a little. She expected her mother to be more upset. The weekend went by too quickly and Scully missed her brothers; they may not make it back for Christmas this year. As much as she enjoyed the time with her family, she missed Mulder. Scully had trouble sleeping. This time it wasn't the nightmares that kept her awake. It was the emptiness. She would doze off and wake up, reaching out for Mulder. It wasn't like they had spent that many nights together comforting each other, but . . . If only he had stayed that night, she may not be sleeping in this bed alone now. She missed their closeness. Getting out of bed, she had made a decision. ***** "Scully?" Mulder asked, turning on the light. "It's me," she said, walking into his bedroom. "I'm sorry it's so late, but . . ." Mulder noticed she was wearing her pajamas again. She looked upset. "More nightmares?" "No." "Then what is it?" he asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. What now? she thought. She was really here. Now she was scared to say anything. It was too soon. Maybe she needed to take things slower. Maybe they needed more time. "I'm coming back to work." she blurted out quickly. "Are you sure you're ready?" he countered. "Yes. I want to get on with my life. Besides, aren't you getting tired of someone not contradicting your theories?" He smiled at her. "I don't know how I've survived." Scully smiled back at him. Mulder got up and hugged her. Scully melted into his arms. She wrapped her arms around him tighter, not wanting him to let her go. She felt Mulder's breath on her hair before he sat back down. "I missed you." she said sitting beside him. "I missed you too." Mulder said in a husky whisper. "I . . . I didn't come over here to tell you I was coming back to work." Scully managed to get the words pass her lips. "Why did you come?" he asked. "I . . . I need to tell you . . ." Her voice trailed off. The words stuck in her throat. She just figured he would know. "What?" Scully looked down at the bed avoiding his eyes. Mulder moved closer to her. His arms came around her waist. "You can tell me anything." His voice was gentle, understanding. "Even though my nightmares are gone and I have my PTSD under control, that doesn't mean I don't need you. I do need you, Mulder. More than anyone else." The tears were sliding down her cheeks. Mulder reached up and brushed them away with his thumbs. "I know. I need you too." His fingers trailed down her temple. "We can't go back to the way things were. Too much has happened." "I don't want to." Scully admitted, shifting on the bed to be closer to him. Her legs were brushing against the side of his hips. Mulder smoothed some hair that fell forward behind her ear. "I should have told you before . . . earlier how I felt, but . . ." Instead, he decided to show her how he felt. He moved his mouth over hers devouring its softness. "Mulder -" she began after that soul-searing kiss. "I wanted to stay that night, but it would have been too hard, Scully, not to make love to you. There's a fine line between just comforting each other after the nightmares before it turns into something more intimate. I didn't want to cross it. It was too soon." he explained. They shared a series of slow, shivery kisses. Scully reached out, lacing his fingers with her own. "This time, don't stop, Mulder. Don't pull away from me." "I won't. I can't." His mouth grazed her earlobe before continuing down to her neck. "I want . . . I want you." she breathed. Her legs were almost wrapped around his waist. The silk of her pajama bottoms grazing his thighs. Mulder's arms were anchoring her against his body. "Love me, Mulder." Scully whispered. And he did. After their passionate lovemaking, Mulder spooned his body around hers. He kissed the nape of her neck. "Mulder," she murmured drowsily. She felt his body pressed touching hers. It was warm. She reached out for his hand. His arms came around her, holding her snugly. Scully felt him press his lips against her shoulder before drifting off into a dreamless sleep. ***** Scully awoke to warmth. The warmth of the covers and Mulder's body. They had made love again during the night. It was even better the second time, shrouded in darkness. Scully loved him so much. She wasn't quite able to get the words out last night. He had to know after last night. After what they shared. It made their bond stronger. Mulder stirred next to her. He felt Scully's soft body next to his. She was already awake. Mulder kissed her passionately, seeing her eyes brighten with pleasure. "Did you sleep well?" "Very well. I guess I was more tired than I thought." she replied. "Do you think I was responsible for that?" he asked innocently. "I think so." She smiled at him. This was still so new to them. They enjoyed just being in each other's arms. It seemed that the spell would be broken if they left this bed. "Mulder," Scully said. "Hmm . . ." he muttered. "Do you remember that case back in Detroit - Mr. Zigmund - the man who committed suicide?" she asked. "Yes. What about him?" he asked. "He left that note telling everyone how much he loved his wife and wanted to be with her always." "I remember thinking how romantic it was." Mulder said. "Yes, and I didn't see it that way, but I understand now." Scully looked into his eyes. "You're the love I can't live without, Mulder." Mulder didn't expect that and was at a loss for words. He felt tears in his eyes and held her tighter, pressing his lips into her soft hair. "Scully . . ." "It's all right. I know." she said. Scully could see out the window that it had begun to snow. She only saw the beauty of it now and not their ordeal months before. END End Note: I know there's was so much angst in this story for our heroes, but I couldn't let their ordeal go by without psychological and emotional repercussions. They couldn't just go back to their normal lives after that experience. - L.