Heart's Conspiracy by: Shawen A. Greer Fox Mulder's day began like any other. The alarm clock invaded his dreams with that irreverent buzzing and he fumbled with buttons until he found the one to silence the intrusion. Expelling a loud groan, both from exhaustion and irritation, he slid out from under the covers and ran his fingers through his dark hair. "Scully..." he whispered out loud to himself as he rubbed his neck and made his way to the shower. Just the thought of her name made his heart skip a beat. He smiled just a little at the feeling. He had dreamed of her before, mostly due to sexual tension and too much beer. Wild erotic dreams full of lust. God only knows that he had enjoyed every one immensely. However, this one was different. He had never dreamed about her like this. Thoughts of her consumed him whenever he wasn't in her company. Wondering what she was doing, wishing to be with her. He closed his eyes and he could see her, just as if she were standing in front of him. The way she pushes her hair gently behind her ear and leans her head ever so slightly to listen to him. The way she bites her bottom lip when she's engrossed in thought. What he wouldn't give to bite that lip. To kiss those lips would be a dream come true. Softly first, then with such intense passion it would take his breath away. He wanted to kiss every inch of her. His hands longed to touch her, to love her completely. He longed to please her and satisfy her in both body and soul. He wanted to look into those blue eyes that sparkled when she smiled. She had a smile so warm that it could renew his spirit. The way she stands so confident and unwavering in the scrutiny that can sometimes be the F.B.I. She believes in herself and she believes in him. He loved everything about her. He was attracted to her beauty and elegance. He was intrigued by her intelligence and intuition. She was compassionate and full of strength. He would never find another woman that could entrance him or complete him as Dana Scully did and that just made him want her more. The hard cold truth slapped him with a dose of reality. Scully had been diagnosed with brain cancer. Most probably terminal. The doctors of course were full of false hope, but she being a doctor herself could not be deceived as easily as the others. All of the other women that she had met having similar abduction stories as her own, and having removed mysterious implants from the base of their neck were now dead. All of them falling victim to cancer and this dark plan devised by his own father and his detestable associates. Nevertheless, even Bill Mulder had fallen prey to them in their grand scheme of things. He opened his eyes and stared into those of his reflection and rubbed his fingers over his whiskered face. How could he ever tell Scully now the love he had for her. The love he has always had for her. He knew her only too well and realized that she would think that his newly expressed love was due to the death sentence that she had been assigned. She would assume that in was either in pity for her, or worse in guilt for involving her in this quest, which would now ultimately take her life. In either case, he couldn't bear for her to think that his love was anything but sincere. It burned some days like fire in his heart and now for the life of him he couldn't think of a good reason why he hadn't told her before. Somehow, the criticism of the Bureau and of those around them seemed insignificant now. The only thing that he did have was their friendship. Not just any friendship but a bond stronger than even death itself. He had resolved himself to stay in that role no matter how difficult. To be the friend and the companion that she needed through it all. Yet, silently his heart grieved for her. Grieved for them and what could have been. And for what could have been theirs Abruptly aware of the tears in his eyes, he snapped himself out of his numbness and proceeded with his morning rituals of shaving and showering as quickly as he could. He suddenly needed to be with her and to be close to her. He would love Dana Scully with all earnest, even if hidden in his heart where they could never take it from him. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx He unlocked the door and walked into the darkness of the chilly basement office of F.B.I. Headquarters that housed the X-Files. He made his way to his desk checking through the files he had been handed by the Director's secretary. He threw his coat over the table and sat in the squeaky chair that seemed to belong in this forgotten office. The image of Scully still haunted him. He thought about his dream, at least what he could remember of it. He remembered running. Not running from anyone, but searching for someone. He remembers feeling lost and as if he were being suffocated. Finally, when he felt as though he could take no more, he ran up the stone steps of a church, he remembered how warm and inviting it looked inside. There were no lights, but the flames from what seemed to be hundreds of candles chased away the night and seemed to invite him in. As he slowly passed through the opened doors an overwhelming peace came over him and he knew he was where he was supposed to be. Then he saw her. Standing in the front with a background of candles behind her. She was dressed in a long white dress that seemed from another time. Victorian maybe. It seemed to be made of old lace that hugged her tiny waist and flowed over her shapely hips making its way to the floor. The high collar covered her graceful neck and seemed even whiter next to her soft auburn hair. She stared at him with a look so full of longing that it made him shiver even now at the thought of it. He believed at that moment that she could somehow look into his soul and see all the secrets he had hidden there. The secret of his feelings for her and his inward desires. Her beautiful face smiled at him and she stretched out her arms beckoning him to fill them. Slowly he began to walk towards her and his paced quickened the closer his got. He had almost reached the sanctuary of her embrace when her lips parted and she whispered "Mulder I was waiting for you." His soul finally rested at the sound of her words, but before he ever reached her that damn buzzing had started. He wished he could go there now. Melt into her arms and stay there forever. Yet, he wondered why it had happened in a church? Moreover, why was she wearing white? Was it a subconscious suggestion that he and Scully were meant to be together as man and wife? Was that his secret desire? Alternatively, was it to symbolize Scully's mortality and represent death and faith? The only thing he knew for sure was that he had been searching for her. The aloneness he felt and the despair was his life if she were not in it. He couldn't bear to be without her. To even think about it crushed his heart. He opened up his laptop to his journal, something he has started doing in the last few weeks. He needed to sort out his thoughts. Usually he could talk to Scully, she was good at driving his phantoms away. However, she couldn't help him this time, since she was his Phantom. He began, "I am faced today with the emptiness of my soul if I am not with her. How can I go on if she is not with me? She is as much a part of me as I am to myself. I want to love her and to tell her that I love her. To show her every minute of every day that she is my life. She completes me. I will tell her. I will find a way to tell her. Damn the consequences! I dreamt of her last night. I searched for her like I seem to do when I'm awake. I finally came to a church that was filled with candles and I saw her there. She was beautiful. The light of the candles illuminated her. She looked like an angel. MY angel!..........." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Special Agent Dana Scully walked into the office. Mulder was already at his desk busily pecking away at his laptop. She couldn't help but smile at how boyish he looked deep in thought. Evidently very deep in thought since he didn't even glance her way as she crossed the threshold. "Mulder I was waiting for you!" she said flatly. Her irritation had subsided some after waiting for him at the coffee shop for half an hour. His head now snapped up from his work and his face turned ashen as if he had seen a ghost. "What did you say?" he stammered breathlessly. "I thought we were meeting at the coffee shop this morning to go over our report." She paused waiting for some reaction. When she didn't receive anything but his blind stare she added "Our report Mulder...the man who said the face of his dead grandfather had manifested itself on the wall of his fireplace to punish him for his disobedient childhood." still no response. "Mulder" she almost screamed it. "Remember Mr. IOnlyDrankOneBottleOfTequila?...What's wrong with you, you look like you saw a ghost. "No" he whispered, "an angel." "What?" "Nothing Scully," he snapped himself back to reality. "I'm sorry. Guess I just didn't sleep well last night." and he quickly closed his laptop and crossed his arms on top of it. "It's ok, I finished it. It was pretty obvious as I saw it. No X-file, just X-treme imagination enhanced by the influence of alcohol." "Here, I brought you breakfast." she said tossing a white paper bag which he caught left handed with his jock-like flare. "So what are you up to so early?" He rummaged into the bag and pulled out a blueberry muffin. "Just reviewing some files. Nothing really here though, mostly hoaxes. Not very good ones either I might add." He was acutely aware that his heart was racing. He stared at her, trying to look professional. Trying to look like his was listening to what she was saying. However, he was taken with her and quite preoccupied with his thoughts. God she was beautiful. He wanted to go to her, take her in his arms and tell her that he loved her. He wanted to nuzzle her hair and smell her neck. To kiss those perfect lips that beckoned him. He needed her as much as he wanted her and he wanted her desperately. Wanted to adore her, caress her, please her and love her. He wanted to make her smile with complete joy and moan with complete ecstasy. He was nothing without her. She was his life and his love forever, she just didn't know it...yet. What would he say? What SHOULD he say? Yes he did need to tell her his feelings because she was sick. Not because he pitied her though, but because he loved her truly in his soul. He wanted to be with her, to support her, care for her, and love her for whatever time he might be able to share with her. He had concluded that to spend only a short time loving Scully was better than to never love her at all. They would make every moment last, every moment count. They would watch sunsets together. They would eat ice cream and watch old movies till dawn. They would run through the rain and splash in the puddles. They would watch children playing in the park. At night they would drift off to sleep in each other's arms, safe and comfortable. He would love her. He would tell her. "Mulder, have you heard a word that I said?" Scully challenged him smoothing her auburn hair behind her left ear with her hand. "No Scully actually I didn't, I was too busy fantasizing about you." as he flashed her that sarcastic smile that always accompanied his witty one- liners. "I know, I know, D.E.A. - morgue - autopsy - dead drug lord - foul play. That's at least eight words I heard if I count correctly...or do I count the letters separately?" "I'll call you later Mulder." she said ignoring him, "Why don't you go get some sleep...are you sure you're ok?" This was his chance. He had to tell her. But this was all wrong. Not here. Not in this dungeon. "I'm ok Mom," he joked. Then he stood and walked to her. To be this close to her was intoxicating. "Or at least I will be." he finished. She looked at him with a raised eyebrow trying to think of what to say. But nothing came to mind. "Will you meet me later Scully? Around dinnertime? At my place. I'll explain then." he stammered over the words and found it difficult to look right into her eyes. If he did, he knew that his secrets would not wait until tonight, and they had to. It had to be perfect. She deserved that. She didn't answer him at first. Her mind was reeling with questions. What was so important that he couldn't tell her now? What was on his mind and why was he staring at her like that a little while ago? It was as if he could read her thoughts and see the secrets of her heart. That had unsettled her slightly. If he could see in her heart he would find himself there. It became harder and harder every day to be with him just as his partner. She had fallen in love with Fox Mulder some time ago. She wasn't even sure when. What she did know was that she was consumed with him. When he stood close to her as he was now she could hardly speak. She could hardly breathe. He was so handsome and his intelligence fascinated her. She had always been partial to men of knowledge, but Mulder possessed an almost sixth sense. A pure wisdom that defied anything she had known before. He was resourceful, he was thoughtful, and he was passionate. She longed to be a part of that passion and to be a part of him. Now she had cancer. How could she possibly expect him to love her knowing that her time was already determined? She could never hurt him that way. She loved him too much for that. As much as she needed him, she couldn't take advantage of him. She knew that he cared for her and that he would be there for her and that would have to be enough. Yet the thought of dying alone was sometimes unbearable. There was a void in her that her mother and family could not fill. She felt the tears starting to fill her eyes and made her excuse quickly. She couldn't let him see her like that. "Sure Mulder, I'll see you then." and she hurried out with the justification that she had already made them wait for her long enough. With a quick forced smile she was out the door, and only then did she take a deep breath. At that moment she made her resolution. She would get well. She would love Fox Mulder...someday. Back in the office Mulder stood motionless entranced by the lingering smell of her perfume. Pure exhilaration flowed through his veins like electricity. He would tell her tonight. Finally the day he had dreamt about for so long had arrived. He would confess his love and devotion to Scully for all eternity and to hell with the consequences. It seemed like he was floating as he made his way back to his desk to make arrangements. He had to buy flowers. There had to be flowers. A rose! Perfect! One single red rose. Oh, and he almost forgot--a bottle of wine. No champagne. This was to be a celebration. "Agent Mulder...we need to talk" came the distinctive voice of his superior and friend Walter Skinner along with the sound of the closing door as it echoed down the long hallway beyond. "I haven't had a chance to look at all of these files yet, but as far as I can tell at first observation they all seem to be rather obvious hoaxes with no foundation for investigation." "That's not what I'm here about Mulder. You can't let Agent Scully come to you tonight. I know what you're intending and by doing so you are putting her in grave danger." "How do you know what I'm planning? What are you talking about?" the exhilaration now seemed to freeze like ice through his body. "I was coming to your office do discuss your findings when I heard the end of your conversation with Agent Scully. I ducked around the corner until she left so we could talk." "Gee, Skinner, green isn't exactly your color! I'm sorry but I guess don't see where this concerns you." not attempting to hide his annoyance. "This isn't about jealousy Mulder, this is about elimination. You're feelings for Agent Scully have been obvious to those around you for quite some time. Including those that would stop at nothing to use it against you." "Screw them Skinner, and screw you too if you have a problem with it!" He loved Scully and there wasn't a damn thing they could do about it. His position clear he defiantly made his way to the door but was intercepted by a strong hand on his wrist. He turned quickly as the encounter escalated but it was too late. Skinner's military training and size had the advantage over Mulder and he found himself restrained. "Settle down Mulder, you're arrogance is going to kill her! Do you hear me Mulder? You go through with this and they will kill her!" his friend disclosed through clenched teeth. "What the hell are you talking about?" Mulder was yelling at this point. "Don't you get it? Once you confess your love for Scully, she's an easy target. The ultimate deterrent in your search for the truth." he released his grip on Mulder and they faced each other. "They'll kill her Mulder as sure as I'm standing here. You can't let that happen." He looked at Skinner through glaring eyes his fists clenched by his sides and waiting. The genuine distress he saw in his friend's eyes told him that Skinner was telling the truth. He felt his world spinning out of control. Even in loving her he put her in danger. Of course he would protect her. He would die for her if he could. "What should I do?" he relented. He trusted Skinner and knew that he too would do anything to protect Scully. "Whatever needs to be done Agent Mulder. Remember the objective." he emphasized the word whatever and Mulder knew what that meant. Unfortunately the objective was to keep Scully alive no matter what. Even if that meant making her hate him. He had been faced with many difficult things in his life, but none were as bad as this. He reluctantly nodded his agreement. She had to be saved, even if it meant his destruction. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Mulder sat alone in the solitude of his apartment. The light from the aquarium cast an eerie glow about the room, but his spirit was comfortable in the darkness. The increasing sorrow in his heart was pulling him down into a state of depression so deep, he wasn't sure if he could ever climb out or if he even wanted to. He sat on the couch the feet propped up on the table in front of him. His hands rested together in front of his mouth and he sat entranced in his thoughts. He blankly stared at his computer across the room and slowly made his way to it. He turned it on and after a few seconds went to his personal files buried deep for only his eyes to see. Once he found his journal he continued... "I find myself here again alone in the darkness with the demons of my past. Those who have meant anything to me have suffered at the hands of the mysterious men that would conceal the truth in the shadows, concerned only for their own deliverance. Certainly the pain of death could not be as intense as watching those connected with me destroyed one by one. I chose this path for myself. My destiny. Which has now cursed the destiny of those around me. How can I stop now knowing what I do? Seeing the things I have seen. Is it more important for me to be true to those who know me or be unyielding in my search for the truth? I tell myself that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. If only my heart could accept that. There is no comfort in the truth. My sister was taken away from me so many years ago that it sometimes seems like another lifetime. Now I find myself questioning. Is my search still because of Samantha? Or is it because of her?" Mulder was startled by a knock at the door, and he quickly saved the thoughts he had just added. Another knock came, a little sharper this time, but he just sat starring across the dark room at the door. Finally with a deep breath and a heavy sigh he made his way to open it as if on the other side stood his executioner. He slowly opened the door and looked into the face of Walter Skinner. "I thought you could use a little support." he stood patiently in the hallway concealing a brown paper bag in his coat. "Don't you mean you want to make sure I'll go through with it?" he challenged trying not to sound curt. "No Agent Mulder. I mean support. I know how hard this is for you. I thought you could use a friend." His friend was right. The longer he sat here alone the more miserable he became. His only chance for love was about to slip through his fingers and it didn't seem that he could stop it. The bright future he had dreamed of had become a solitary existence. Anyone else would pale in comparison to her. Skinner took the paper bag from his coat and removed a bottle of scotch. "One now to take the edge off, the rest to poison yourself with after." The bottle made a deadened thud upon contact with the coffee table. Mulder nodded welcoming the bottle of courage and disappeared into the kitchen. He returned a few seconds later with two glasses. The liquor splashed into them and he lifted one for a toast. "This sucks!" seemed to say it better than anything and he threw his head back and emptied the glass. As if on cue, there was a faint knock at the door. He suddenly felt the need to run, but he had been given a mission. Knowing what he had to do he set the glass down on the table and took off his shirt. He messed up his hair with both hands as Skinner made his way into the shadows. His legs were numb but he managed to make his way to the door. He rested his hand on the knob and whispered, "Forgive me Scully." He took a deep breath and opened the door just enough to stick his head out. "Well if it isn't the forensic specialist to the drug cartel!" he teased trying to act normal. "Find anything 'legal' in the body?" "Yes actually" she answered, "rat poison. It's legal for killing rats however quite illegal when used for killing people. Then again in this case, I'm not so sure there's a difference." "Wow, bummer!" was his response as he squeezed himself through a small opening in the door and quickly closed it behind him. Scully looked at him with that eyebrow raised in puzzlement at his actions. Then she noticed his messed up hair and bare chest that she realized she had stared at too long. Her heart caught in her throat. She thought she was coming here because he had something important to say to her about the two of them. She thought she had sensed a kind of spark earlier today and that her dreams of being with Fox Mulder were about to come true. However, here he was looking very much involved with someone else. Why else would he be talking to her in the hallway...disheveled. "I'm sorry Mulder...did I wake you?" she explored the possibility that she could be wrong, though her intuition told her otherwise. "Wake me?" he returned her puzzled look and then acted as if he received sudden enlightenment. Wake me...! oh...ah...no! No Scully I was awake. I was definitely awake." His arms floundered for a few seconds before he crossed them in front of his chest as if they could conceal that fact that it was bare. "No...uh...an old friend stopped by for drinks." he told her truthfully. Skinner HAD come by and he had brought the scotch which he could have drowned himself in at this moment. "Oh...I see." came the response "I'm sorry I interrupted. I suppose that our conversation can till the morning then." "No, it's ok Scully, it won't take long! I just thought that as your partner, considering everything you're going through right now, maybe you should slow down a little. You know, take it easy...rest." Where the hell did that come from? That was the best he could think of? She stood silent for what seemed like an eternity. Then finally managed "That was why I came over here after being on my feet for the last nine hours? Thanks for your concern 'Dad' but I'll get enough rest when I'm dead." She didn't mean to sound so callous. She knew that he was only considering her health. It was just that she had anticipated so much more than thoughtfulness and concern. "I'm sorry Mulder, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just tired. Thank you for worrying about me but I'm fine really. I promise you'll be the first to know if I'm not." He nodded his approval with a weak smile. He couldn't say anymore. There were tears caught in his throat that threatened to appear if he attempted to make a sound. "Good night Romeo" she said with a sarcastic smile and turned on a heel and was on her way. "See ya!" came the reply but she didn't hear it. The tears were already making their way down her cheeks and she welcomed the closing of the elevator doors. She needed to get out of here. She needed to go home. She had imagined herself in Mulder's arms, but they were already occupied and now she felt like a fool for allowing herself to even consider such a thing. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Mulder closed the door behind him in the darkness of the room. He slumped to the floor his strength and his hope now gone. Skinner approached this now empty man and handed him another glass of scotch, which was consumed quickly. "Well done Agent Mulder." It was over, he would never win her trust again. He had proven himself a demoralized playboy. Just the type that he knew Scully despised. That should keep her away. That should keep her safe. He looked up at his collaborator with a despondent gaze. "Well, I think love is the last thing she feels for me now." "You did what you had to do Mulder. Someday she'll understand." He meant his words to be comforting and to encourage him. He had forgotten the unspoken variable. Her cancer. "You mean 'someday', if she lives that long. Or maybe I'll be permitted a confession at her death bed." Reality set in. He had been so driven to save Scully's life that he had forgotten her illness. Her life was already being taken. He looked at Mulder a little differently now. He understood. What difference did it make if he had saved her today. They were already killing her and they had chosen a much slower and debilitating sentence. Then came the further revelation. His dark contact had given him vague information that he needed to save his agent's life. Now he knew he had put the pieces together wrong. It was not Scully who was in danger. It was Mulder. The self-disgraced agent had made his way off the floor and was now on the sofa with a refilled glass. He had managed to put his shirt back on and sat rubbing his temple with his empty hand. "Yep, now instead of having one chance to be with her and love her for whatever time she has left, I get to be the revolting partner more concerned about hormones than humanity." He paused, "Check mate...they win." and he swallowed again completely his third glass of the scotch. Skinner stood silent re-evaluating this scenario. He had been wrong. He had approached it from the wrong angle. Had he assumed it was Scully the informant had warned him about just because she was a woman? Or was it because of his own concern for her? He wasn't sure. Never the less, he had saved Mulder anyway. Or had he? He took a long hard look at the broken man before him and realized he hadn't saved anything. He wasn't dead, but he might as well be now. Then came the reaction that Skinner had not counted on. "Ya know what there Walter..." His words were starting to slur now, the bottle more than half gone, "screw them! They've already killed her! They gave her goddamn cancer! And I'll be damned if I'm letting her die alone." The alcohol had started talking for him. Saying all the things that needed to be said. He was in control of his own destiny and he would love Scully and protect her if he had too. He would be with her, even if that meant killing for her. "Mulder...don't be stupid! You're not thinking clearly." This was the set up. They had anticipated this kind of reaction and Skinner had fallen right into their hands. Mulder would now be lead into their trap--and he boss and friend had allowed it to happen. They knew that these two men would go to any length to protect Agent Scully and they had used it against them. "Yes I am, clearer than I have in a long time. Scully needs me and I will not let her down. I love her and the only way they'll separate us is to drag my dead body away from her! Now if you'll excuse me." and he stood up and made his way to the shower. He would clean up and shave and go tell her everything. He would take her away if that was what he had to do, but he would set things right tonight. Knowing that he could not allow him leave, the Director did what he had to do. "I'm sorry my friend" he said spinning Mulder on his drunken heel. The blow was quick and thanks to the scotch the objective was easily achieved. His picked up the agent's semi-conscious body and laid it across the bed. Skinner took out his cell phone and dialed the pre-programmed number and waited for an answer. "This is Skinner...I need to see you immediately. I'll explain then." he listened for a reply and ended with "I'll be there in 25 minutes." his cell phone snapped closed and he was out the door. Mulder was walking into a trap and he had led him to it. Now he had a responsibility. As a friend and because of his entrusted position. It was time to play ball, and he choose defense. xxxxxxxxxx Night had set over the nation's capital when Skinner arrived. He could tell that Scully had been crying, but he kept it to himself. They walked along the busy streets as he explained everything to her from the beginning. From his meeting with his informant to the conversation he had overheard at Headquarters. He told her that he had been at Mulder's apartment earlier and had witnessed the charade. He also told her the truth of Mulder's intentions and that he had acted the way he did because he believed it would save her life. They came to rest at the Reflecting Pool at the Lincoln Memorial and took a seat. Skinner didn't say anything for a while. He knew that Scully needed time to take it all in. "Why are you telling me this?" she asked him with the tears threatening her eyes again. "Because I was wrong...you're not the target...Mulder is." He saw the concern in her beautiful face. No wonder Mulder loved her. How could any man not. "Where is he now?" and she stood to leave. She had to go to him...to make sure that he was ok. "He's alright..." Skinner hesitated before telling her that he had knocked him out. "He's sleeping now." And then added "scotch." She shot him a questioning look but decided to let it go. "You know what you have to do Agent Scully," he sounded like her boss for the first time since they met this evening. She nodded her answer. "I'm just going to go home and get a few things. I'll stay at a motel for the night until I come up with a way to handle this situation." She didn't want to risk a encounter with Mulder until she was prepared. He knew her too well. He would know if she was lying. If she made a mistake it could cost him his life. "Good luck Scully, you'll do fine." and with that assurance was off to his car, and she started for hers. The wheels of fate were already turning for her. She had to ensure that Mulder would be alright when she was gone. She had to protect him while she was still able to do so. xxxxxxxxx Fox Mulder rolled over on his bed with a moan. He blinked his eyes adjusting them to the light and rubbed the throbbing side of his head. He'd had hangovers before, but none quite like this. Then he remembered. The son-of- a-bitch had hit him. Cold-cocked him. Mental note - beat the crap out of Walter Skinner. He managed to get to his feet and staggered to the medicine cabinet for some aspirin. He quickly swallowed two and then added a third for good measure. He leaned on the sink and took a minute to think about the events of the night before. He had done some things in this life that he was certainly not proud of, but never had he felt as low as he did right now. He was ashamed at what he had done. He should have stood up to those bastards from the start. They had seen to it that she didn't have a promising future. Now they were trying to destroy what time she had left. He shaved quickly, brushed his teeth, and stepped into a hot shower. He just stood there for a while and let the water pour over his head. It was soothing and invigorating at the same time. After a time, and before the hot water started to fade, he washed himself and his hair and turned the knob off. He pulled the curtain back to a blanket of steam and quickly dried off and combed his hair. Wrapping the towel around his waist he made his way back to the bedroom. It was Saturday morning and rather early he figured. He looked at the clock for confirmation. 7:10. Scully was usually an early riser, so he figured he could stop at the bagel shop for some cinnamon raisins and two coffees and bring breakfast as a peace offering before his confession. He dressed in his Levi's and a thermal Henley. Black. Scully had told him once that he looked good in black. After that day, his wardrobe became predominantly one color. He tied his shoes and slipped into his leather jacket. It was fall and the mornings had a slight chill in the air. He grabbed his keys off the table and left for her apartment. He wasn't sure what to say or how to say it. He figured once he was with her, his heart would know what to do. xxxxxxxxxx Mulder bounded up the steps of Scully's apartment building a coffee in each hand and a bag of bagels tucked under his arm. He rang the doorbell and waited but there was no response. He considered that it may be broken. Just in case he knocked with his foot, his hands still holding the coffee. Still there was no response. He started to worry. Scully hadn't mentioned any appointments this morning. He had wanted to go to her last night...to protect her...what if... He wasted no time. He set the cups down on the carpet and looked for her key on his ring. He pulled his gun out from under his coat and turned the latch as quietly as he could in case her assailants were still there. He crept his way through the darkened apartment in true F.B.I. form expecting the unexpected around every turn, but there was nothing to be found. There was no evidence of a struggle or foul play. Scully just wasn't home. Relieved that she was safe somewhere and disappointed that she wasn't home, Mulder decided to go to the office and look at those files a little more. He would come by later and talk to her. Right now it seemed he had a lot of coffee to drink. xxxxxxxxxx Dana Scully pulled into the parking area of her apartment building. It had been a long night and she hadn't slept much. Her dreams were filled with haunting images of Fox Mulder. He would take her in his arms and kiss her, but as soon as he tried to speak, a shot rang out from somewhere in the fog surrounding them and she found herself holding his lifeless body and crying. All the dreams were different but they all ended the same. She finally decided that it was useless to even try to sleep, so she had checked out of the motel and headed home. Still unsure of what to say to him, she figured she could go home, change, and go work at her office in Quantico for a while. There were some things that she had been meaning to do over there, might as well be today. However, that was before she turned the corner and saw Mulder's car in front of her building. Now what! She thought that by coming home this early she could be here and gone long before he even woke up. He wasn't exactly known for being a morning person. She quickly turned the car around and made her way back on the road. Had he seen her pull in? She didn't think so; she had managed to retreat quickly. It was probably better this way. She was too tired to think of working at the base anyway. She turned around at the next street and headed towards I-95. She would go to her mother's house in Baltimore for the day. It would be a comfort to be home and she knew that she could rest there. It was about 50 minutes later when she pulled up outside the her mother's house. Somehow the sight of that blue door with ornamental brass knocker always seemed to bring her an inner peace. She wasn't raised in this house, but just knowing her mom lived here was enough to make it feel like home. She rang the doorbell even though she had been told hundreds of times that it was unnecessary, that she should just come in. Margaret Scully answered the door promptly looking overjoyed at the unexpected visit. She threw her arms around her youngest daughter and held her tightly. "Hi honey...what are you doing here?" she asked ushering her into the house. "Is everything ok?" "It's fine Mom, everything's fine." she lied. "I was just putting some tea on... would you like a cup?" she knew that Dana never came home unexpected if something wasn't troubling her, but Margaret had learned a long time ago not to pressure her. She knew that she would confide in her when she was ready, and that sometimes she just needed to regroup. She assumed this was once of those times. "Sure, that sounds great, thanks." "So what brings you here today Dana?" her mother asked trying not to pry. "Well Mom, the truth is, I'm involved in a case that hasn't allowed me to sleep very well lately." She sat at the kitchen table and rested her head on her arms folded in front of her. "I thought maybe I could rest here for awhile if you wouldn't mind." She knew that she wouldn't. Her mother loved when she showed up for no reason. There was nothing that she loved more that taking care of her children and thought of it a golden opportunity when independent Dana needed her. "Of course honey! Why don't you go in on the couch and rest there. I'll bring you your tea as soon as it's finished." She willing followed her mother's instruction and made her way to the family room in the back of the house. She sat on the couch looking around at the photos and mementos that her mother had saved over the years. A family portrait from many years ago hung over the mantle. She thought of how handsome her father had been, and how strong. Many people had told her ever since she was a little girl that she had her father's strength and self- determination. As she looked into his eyes now, she didn't feel that strength. Her life had been taken out of her control. Unsure of her own mortality, she now had to consider the mortality of the most important man in her life. She laid down, the weight of it all becoming as heavy as her eyes. She faintly heard the whistle of the teapot from the kitchen as her thoughts all melted into one and she slept. xxxxxxxxxx Scully woke to the smell of cinnamon cake, her mom's specialty. She must have been asleep for hours based on the dazed feeling she was experiencing now. She hadn't slept that sound in months. She looked disbelievingly at her watch. It was 3:30. She sat for a moment holding her head in her hands trying to will herself to move. She managed to make her way to the bathroom down the hall and washed her face trying to bring herself back to the living. The cool washcloth felt invigorating to her skin and she checked her face in the mirror in front of her. She placed the cold rag back over her eyes to diminish the slight puffiness that had settled there. Then she went to meet her mother in the kitchen. "That smells great," she said, her stomach growling at the scent of cinnamon in the air. "Just out of the oven sleepy-head, would you like a piece?" she asked already cutting one. "There is a fresh pot of coffee made." Scully graciously accepted both and welcomed the warmth in her now empty stomach. She sat for a while, refilling her cup once, reminiscing with her mom about the past. Finally at about 6:00 she declined her mother's invitation for dinner and headed home. She was about twenty minutes from home when her cell phone rang. "Scully." she answered and her heart skipped a beat at the sound of Mulder's voice. He wanted to know if they could get together to talk...tonight. Scully expelled a sigh of defeat. She couldn't avoid him forever. "Where are you?" she asked and received the answer of his apartment. "Ok Mulder, I can be there in half an hour...ok, I'll see you then." The cell phone clamped shut and she turned down the road on that lead to Alexandria. xxxxxxxxxx Mulder paced the living room in his apartment waiting for Scully to arrive. He hadn't been nervous before, but now his legs felt as though they were made of rubber. What would he say to her? How would he explain his actions before? How could he make her understand how much he loved her and needed her to know that? Then there was the small matter of her life being in immediate danger. "Great Mulder" he mumbled to himself. He could picture the scene. "Scully, I lied to you before, there was no one with me last night, I was just scared. The only person I love is you and I need you. Oh, one small problem by the way, now that I told you that, your life is in danger and we need to run away ok?" What was he thinking! He wanted to romance her. He wanted this moment to be more romantic than she had ever dreamed, and now it was a disaster. Maybe Skinner was right. Maybe he was being foolish. Nevertheless, he did love her, and deep down he believed that she loved him too, or at least he was determined to find out. He went into the kitchen and opened the bottle of wine that had been chilling all day. He carried it and two glasses to the living room and sat down to wait. No sooner than he settled into the corner of the couch, there was a soft knock at the door. He jumped to his feet and paused just at the door. "Don't screw this up Mulder!" he told himself, took a deep breath and opened it. "Scully...thanks for coming on such short notice" he said as he opened the door wide inviting her in. It wasn't often Dana Scully dressed in jeans and Mulder couldn't help but notice how well they fit her. Just right in all the right places. He snapped himself out of it and closed the door still watching her walk into the living room. He didn't take his eyes off of her until she sat down. Scully noticed the wine and the glasses sitting on the coffee table. It took every bit of will power that she had not to get caught up in the moment. There was still an objective. She had to stay focused. "Expecting someone Mulder?" she teased him as he was sitting down beside her. "I almost didn't recognize you with your shirt on." "The only person I was expecting was you Scully," he said pouring her a glass of wine. "The shirt is optional," he added flashing her a look that took her breath away. She swallowed hard trying to speak. "You wanted to talk to me about something?" She noticed the coolness in her voice and tried to smile. Realizing that she was failing miserably to retain her composure so far, she thought it best just to drink her wine in silence. Mulder looked down at his feet for what seemed like forever. Then he swallowed what was left in his glass and turned his whole body to face her. "Scully, you have always been there to believe in me when no one else did. You have cared for me when I was sick, and saved my sorry ass on more than one occasion and for that I thank you. It's also essential for you to know that I was alone last night. I know what it seemed like, and that was my intention, but I only deceived you to keep you from knowing the truth." He set his glass back down on the table in front of him and took her hand in both of his. "I wanted this moment to be perfect so many times, but I have resolved myself to thinking that perfection is only our perception and that if something is to truly be perfect it only needs to be so in our mind and in our heart. So I hope that you'll forgive me for this happening now...happening here." Never in her life had anyone attempted to offer himself or herself to her like he was trying to do. How could she do this to him? She didn't want to. She loved him...she loved him enough to save his life. "Mulder, if you're trying to say something please say it...you're losing me in the commencement." "I love you Scully...I always have." his words trailed into silence waiting for a response for which she had none. She saw the anticipation on his face and knew that every second she didn't answer was another that he was questioning himself as to the rightness of his actions. Debating within him whether he should have kept his secret. She knew that she had to answer, but the sound of him saying the words she had waited for him to say for so long had taken her voice. Finally, with every bit of will she forced herself to respond. "I...I'm...flattered Mulder." she spoke as she watched what seemed like his very soul drain from his eyes. "You're flattered." he repeated. "Flattered was not one of the responses I anticipated." He poured another glass of wine and stood to pace the floor as he spoke. "I hoped for an 'I love you too' but was planned for slap in the face. Didn't even consider a 'flattered'. Wow." She saw the hurt on his face and the tears that he was trying so desperately to hide. "Mulder..." what do you say to someone you just destroyed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." She watched, as his heart seemed to break in front of her eyes. "The truth is that I do love you Mulder..." she stopped before she ran to him and confessed her heart. As if there were hope he stopped at looked at her, his eyes glistening. "...but not that way." she concluded. His head dropped again and nodded his understanding. She approached him, unsure of what to do or say. She laid her hand on his arm as if it could comfort him, and watched as it triggered the first tear to stain his cheek. He brushed it away quickly and turned his face from her. She watched his shoulders rise and fall as he sighed. "Scully, I hope you'll forgive me if I ask you to leave now. I would prefer to feel like a fool by myself." then he tried to laugh. "Thanks for not slapping me by the way." She picked up her coat, which she had laid on the back of the couch. She took one last look at him before she left. She would never forgive herself for doing this to him, even if it had saved his life. Her life would be ending soon enough. He would get past this and move on. He would love again someday, hopefully for a very long time. Longer than she could offer him. She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around him resting her cheek against his back. Then she had to leave, as much for herself as for him. He listened, as her footsteps got fainter as she walked down the hallway to the elevator and then there was silence. He walked over to the window and leaned against the frame. Waiting for her. He loved just the sight of her. He watched her as she made her way along the walk clutching her coat around her. She stopped only briefly to unlock her car and then got in. He watched as the lights came on and remained to watch her drive away, but the car sat motionless. She must be looking for something he thought to himself. Still after a couple minutes she remained parked, engine running. He took a chance and decided to go out and help her. She was obviously having a problem with something. He took the stairs two at a time instead of waiting for the elevator and exited the building into the night air. There was the distinct feel of autumn in the air and it was crisp and cold to his flushed skin. He approached her car that was still running. As he came up beside it and looked in the window, he saw why. Her head was buried in her hands and she was crying. He watched her shoulders shake with every sob. She had lied to him. He knew that now. Despite his profiling experience, he knew Dana Scully better than he knew himself. He had spent years studying her, loving her. She did love him but for some reason she had lied to him. He went around the car to her side and opened the door startling her. She jumped and started to reach for her gun until she realized it was Mulder. He took her hand and pulled her gently from her seat. They stood there in each other's arm and cried together. Finally he leaned back and tilted her face with his hand so that he could look at her. "You lied to me Scully." He started. "Look at me now and tell me that you don't love me." The tears were streaming down her face. "I can't love you Mulder..." she sobbed. "Why Scully?" his voice was pleading. "Because of your cancer? I love you Scully, I want to be with you for as long as we have together." he kissed a tear from her cheek. "We've wasted so much time already." "No Mulder...you don't understand" she tried to control her sobs so that he could hear her. "I know about your conversation with Skinner last night. He told me what was going on..." "Scully I'll protect you!" he interrupted. "No! Listen to me!" she squeezed both of his elbows tightly in her hands. "I'm not in danger...you are!" and she leaned into the warmth of his chest again. Impulsively, he bent down and rested his chin on top of her head. No sooner than she spoke the words he caught a glimpse of a figure at the side of the building. He heard the bullet pass his ear even though he had not heard a shot. They both instinctively too cover and drew their weapons. She had saved his life. If she wouldn't have pulled him to her and ruined the assailants shot...he didn't have time to think about that now. With weapons drawn they watched as two other figures joined the first. There was a brief struggle and then the first shadow fell limp to the ground. The smaller of the remaining pair picked up the fallen figure in a fireman's carry and was gone behind the building. They barely had time to exchange a puzzled glance let alone question what had just happened when the remaining figure approached them. Only a couple steps brought him into the light and they holstered their weapons at the sight of Walter Skinner. Skinner began before they could ask, "Neither one of you were here tonight agents, you were out of town on assignment. Is that clear?" "You wanna tell me what just happened here?" Mulder questioned motioning towards the darkness with his hand. "Let's just say I don't take kindly to being manipulated and used as a trap for one of my agents. Or both for that matter." and they knew that Skinner would give no further explanation than that. Mulder placed his arm around a trembling Scully as the other figure reappeared from behind the building and now approached their group. The couple stared in disbelief as the face of Alex Krycek became discernable from the shadows. He passed a glance between the two of them, then reached in his pocket and handed some papers to Skinner. "Area secure." he said and turned to stand equal with Skinner's shoulder. As if to answer their unspoken questions he turned to them only to say "Let's just say I owed him money...and I just didn't have it right now." His face remained expressionless. He was as cool and as calculating as ever. Mulder started to approach his underhanded former partner. He had learned long ago that whatever you saw of Alex Krycek was usually a facade. And that his motives were usually self-driven. What assurance did they have that he wasn't a part of this threat on his life. Skinner moved quicker than Mulder and separated the two of them. "It's over agents." came the voice of their director like thunder to their ears in the night air. He handed them the papers that he had received from Krycek. "Scully I am assuming that you still have a bag in your car since you haven't been home, is that correct?" "Well...yes." She stammered. He had obviously been watching out for them all day. "I have some essentials but no other clothes." "Buy them!" came the response. "Mulder, you have probably twenty five minutes to pack some things and lock up your apartment. Your flight arrangements are under the names of Mr. & Mrs. George Hale. Your flight leaves in 2 hours." He barked out the orders as he would for any assignment. "So, why don't I get to buy a new wardrobe?" Mulder joked. "Whatever you prefer Agent Mulder but I don't expect to see an expense report for yours." he commented without hesitation. Krycek was the first one to take his leave. He looked at Mulder with that evil smirk that certainly only he could possess. "Now get out of here before I take your place" he said with a look aimed at Scully to which she diverted her eyes to the ground. He walked up to her and took her hand in his and kissed it. In a matter of seconds he had disappeared into the darkness. It was then Skinner's turn. "Lets move agents!" he ordered. "I'm not sure how much time you'll have before he"s discovered missing." He turned on his heel and headed back into the shadows. He had gone about twenty feet when he stopped and faced them one last time. "Agent Mulder...you take care of her or I'll kill you myself. Am I clear?" After receiving a understanding nod from his friend he disappeared into the night. They stood there in awkward silence for a few minutes both trying to piece together what had just happened. The one thing they knew for sure was that they were destined to be together, and evidently they weren't the only ones who thought so. They quickly made their way back up to Mulder's apartment. He packed his suitcase quickly and grabbed an extra sweatshirt and sweatpants for Scully. He figured they would fit her well enough that she could get a shower and have some clean clothes until she went on her shopping spree tomorrow. Secretly he liked the thought of her wearing his clothes. There was just some kind of romance to that. Scully fed the fish and called Frohike on her cell phone to tell him that they were going out of town. The Lone Gunmen saw to it that Mulder's fish were taken care of and his mail picked up whenever they had to leave on assignment. Exactly twenty minutes after Skinner left, they loaded the suitcases in Scully's car. Mulder had advised that they split up his things into two suitcases so that they had enough room for the clothes that Scully purchased. With one final glance into the shadows next to the building, they drove away down the road to their future. Scully silently hoped it would be as bright as the stars that smiled down at them. As if he heard her thoughts, Mulder squeezed her hand to say that it would be. xxxxxxxxxx At the advice of the steward on the plane, they made their way to a quaint little bed and breakfast overlooking a lake. Vermont was already very cold this time of year. Scully would have to add a coat to her shopping list. They ascended the steps to the large country porch that graced two sides of the house and walked into the foyer. An older gentleman, they guessed in about his seventies, was behind the desk. "Evening folks! Welcome. Did you have a reservation?" "Uh...no," Mulder answered. "Do we need one?" "No, no. Plenty of room. Only got three other couples here this weekend. They're all out on the town tonight." he laughed. Scully smiled. There was something about him that reminded her of her father, though she wasn't sure why. "Ok kids, what's the name for the book? My daughter runs this place and I gotta make sure I do it like she tells me. You understand." "Hale." Mulder offered. "Mr. and Mrs. George Hale." then for some unknown reason and much to Scully's surprise he added "newlyweds." which clearly thrilled the little man. "Well congratulations folks!" and he shook Mulder's hand. "In that case, this calls for the Bridal Suite. Best view in the place and a fireplace in the room." the latter of which caused Mulder to look at Scully with a raised eyebrow and slight smirk on his face. He wasn't sure, but he thought that she blushed. The man handed them a key and told them to make themselves at home at the small bar in the dining area while he got the room ready for them. They insisted that they would get the bags out of the car themselves when the room was ready. The dining area was charming. A long oak table stood in the center of the room, which was filled with antiques. The curtains were old lace and fresh flowers could be seen in small vases scattered around the room. One wall was mostly windows which they were sure had a beautiful view of the lake in the daylight. They had hardly touched their sodas when the innkeeper returned and told them that their room was ready. They grabbed their bags, which Mulder had gotten while they waited, and followed their guide to their room in the very back of the house. He patted Mulder on the back and refused a tip saying, something about no need to tip for hospitality, and made his way back down the hall. "Breakfast is at 8:00 Mr & Mrs. Hale," he called back. "Would you like me to put you down for room service?" he asked with a spry grin. "That would be great! Thanks!" Mulder winked at him and the old man was on his way downstairs. They opened the door to the Bridal Suite, as it was so marked by the brass plaque which hung there, and stood for a moment taking it all in. The room was almost as large as the dining area had been and there was a huge stone fireplace almost covering one wall. Again the curtains were lace and on the wall directly across from the fireplace was a huge canopy bed. The room was decorated in blue and white and looked like it came from a magazine. As noticed throughout the rest of the house, this room again had small bud vases with fresh flowers. Mostly daisies. Scully started to walk in when Mulder's arm abruptly stopped her. "Lets do this right Mrs. Hale." he said with a smile and he kissed her cheek as he picked her up effortlessly and carried her over the threshold. "Mulder, we're not really married," she criticized, but he could see that she loved it. "Let's just pretend then ok?" and he closed the door behind them and turned the lock. He placed his arms around her waist and looked down at her, "I do love you Scully, with all my heart. And I'm going to spend this weekend proving that to you." She smiled a smile unlike any he had ever seen on her face before. She looked so happy and he was glad. "I've been waiting for you to say those words for so long Mulder. I do love you. I think I always have." He smiled back at her remembering his dream. He had searched a long time and now had finally found her. He wouldn't lose her this time, not a chance. He kissed her then. Softly at first, and then again. The third kiss came hard and passionate. Her lips parted slightly and he slipped his tongue between them. Her breath came as a soft moan and he could feel the electricity surging through his body. He stopped while he still could and stood there just looking at her and running his fingers through her hair. Then he embraced her again tightly savoring the feeling of being in her arms. "Let's slow it down a little ok Scully." he said as he moved her in the direction of the bed. He sat her down and began rubbing her shoulders and her back. "It's been a long day today...a lot has happened. Why don't you go in and take a hot bath and relax and then we'll rest awhile." He knew her questions before she asked them and kissed the back of her neck. "We've got plenty of time Scully...it'll come. Let's not rush it. I'm not going anywhere." and with that he tipped her backwards and kissed her again. Then kissed her hands one at a time. She looked over at him now laying next to her and rolled closer to him. He was right. They were both so tired; it would be better to wait until tomorrow. She had thought about how their first time would be many times. So far the setting was right. Why risk spoiling a perfect moment. Then she remembered what Mulder had said about perfection and wondered if that might be true. She didn't really care right now; it felt so right lying here in Mulder's arms. Mulder looked at her, the light from the fire dancing on her face. He could hardly believe that she was in his arms. He felt somehow complete for the first time in his life. She would get well. He wasn't sure how he knew that, but in his heart he knew it was true. They would grow old together safe in each other's arms just like they were at this moment. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Want me to fill the tub for you my angel?" he whispered. However, she didn't hear him. She was already asleep. END